| | besides the fact t
besides the fact that you write brilnialtly .This whole post is a YES. And a yes and a yes and a yes. My husband having had a brain injury at seventeen that seemed to do nothing .. and who, at 36, has been out of a debilitating and horrifying depression/fog/something indescribably awful and yet undiagnosable, for two years now, I relate more than I wish I did. At the time his sorrowing shapeless and hurting self was sulking in the spare bedroom, my two oldest children and I had been diagnosed with Chronic Lyme disease, and I could not walk, because during my pregnancy with my youngest son, lymphedema and lyme combined with whatever else to create horrifying amounts of pain. And we looked so normal, in public. We seemed so average. The children were stressed out to the gills, and I put a suicide hotline poster on the side of the fridge, but we seemed normal. The outside of the house looked fine the inside crumbled around me as I could no longer vacuum or care for it sufficiently, and could not withstand the accusatory barrage of complaints from my husband. I could have left him we didn't know what was going on, of course, and although he was withdrawn and emotionally unavailable displeased with everything around him for years and years, he wasn't physically abusive, but emotionally he was. Then, two years ago, after attempts at little interventions by about every family member, after nearly losing his job, after being emotionally and mentally gone for years, he woke up. Returned. Sort of. He's now the same, only different. Much, much better than before still way more critical than the man I married a decade and a half ago, but much better. No more gaming for hours on end, no more sleeping in the spare bedroom and being as far away from everyone else as possible. I now think of it as having three husbands. My first, newly wed marriage, which lasted eight years, then my second, horrible and emotionally abusive marriage, and now, a new marriage, not nearly as good as the first one, but a lot better than the second. But we still have Lyme disease. And the house still looks good on the outside and is a disaster on the inside, which is kind of how we look, too. My daughter, who is ten, calls the time her father was so broken The Great Depression, and doesn't trust him at all he was never harsh to her, but only to me, but in consequence, him being harsh to Mama, who is the rock here, added to her defenses. The repercussions of that period, which I'm certain he had no control over, resonate in everything we do. I'm trying to learn to trust him again, and it's so difficult. My children are wary, though they love him- they felt so abandoned when he was sick; he went from playing and spending time with them to nothing. Thankfully we were financially ok, but in every other way I parented alone .which makes relinquishing any control to this new husband, who is more strict than I am and more of a perfectionist, extremely difficult. And him asking our daughter to do anything? He insists upon her obedience . and she refuses to obey because she doesn't trust him at all. Try explaining to a little kid about chronic depression and head injuries. All she knows is, he wasn't there for a long time, and now he's going to boss her around? She's having none of that. SO, things like family nights and even family prayer in the evenings are dramas worthy of Lifetime television . preteen daughter plus returning chronically depressed dad? Yeah. That. And I had to give up a co-editorship of a small magazine, because I could not possibly do that and all this. And I still miss that it was a lifeline to a world I could not understand, but which I wanted to be a part of, a quiet world where women blogged between loads of laundry, and helped out in the world by flying overseas to do service work, and didn't have these particular concerns though they had plenty of their own, and are so amazing. My household IS my service work. And often we NEED to Be somebody's service work.I can walk again, maybe for a little while. Our sweet children continue to mend, and I continue to explain little bits that, hopefully, they can understand. But It's continually So. Dang.Hard. So when I have friends who are easily having yet more children, when my last pregnancy was horrific, or who just are smoochie newlywed snuggly with their husbands .? Or who worry about a pair of shoes making their size eight calves look fat, when Lyme and Lymphedema have combined to kill my immune system and make my lymphatic system stall, adding lymphatic fluid weight to the tune of about a hundred pounds which, due to the nature of the sickness, I can't lose or work on because there's no change? When they worry about their children not getting perfect grades, and I worry about mine not getting mono AGAIN for the fourth time this fall, due to other parents sending their kids sick so as not to miss a single day? Hard. Hard to see their own trials. Hard to see past the outer veneer, to the hardwood beneath. Hard to see why these, my sisters, do the things that to me look like frivolity, but which might be a coping mechanism.I appreciate the reminder to keep looking. Because everybody has a story. Everybody has something so painful that it is almost insurmountable. And if they don't . wait a few years. They might.I am so touched by your peaceful knowledge, though I know it was harder than you describe, that you _knew_ your husband was in there, and that HE was different than the outward appearances. I knew, too. I still do. I can see this man I've married, I can see his soul, and I can see how hard he's trying to correct this path that we've dug into while he was gone. the Plan B path, the one you do to survive while under great stress, and then have to reorganize once the Plan B' day becomes the usual .and therefore, with no normal, you have the new normal, and you go onward. I appreciate so much knowing on sister in the world understands why I am staying with this complicated, hopelessly fractured, but endlessly striving towards righteousness man . whom I love, even while I am learning to be able to trust his physical capabilities and mental faculties again -T
Last edited by Orly; 04-19-2014 at 02:15 PM.