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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 10:51 AM
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Body Bag Body Bag is offline
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Location: Lower Arkansas
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do you know the front from the back of a tree?

a redneck from georgia decides to travel across the south to virginia to see god's country. When he gets to franklin , he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!!

he walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman
takes him for a ride into the
forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

the foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree "see that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."

the redneck promptly answers, "that thar's a whitepine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."

the foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

"that's a loblolly pine
and she's got about 456 clear board feet."

the foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!!

one more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "and what about that one?"

before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "white oak, 242 board feet at best."

the foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside.

he hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "see that tree over there?" "i want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!!"

the foreman thinks to himself, "idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"

when bubba reaches the tree, he goes around
it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white x on the trunk.

he walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "that thar's the front," the redneck says.

the foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "how in the do you know that's the front of the tree?"

the good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "cuz somebody took a behind it!"

he got the job.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 11:17 AM
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gfdeputy2 gfdeputy2 is offline
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It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
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Old 12-11-2009, 10:00 PM
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rdrader2002 rdrader2002 is offline
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Location: Central Texas
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And then there was the story about the guy wanting to try his hand at hunting mule deer. He had bagged some white tail deer before, but mule deer was something new and exciting so off he went out into the woods.

Later on, he was stopped by one of the game wardens to check what was in the back of his truck. The hunter proudly showed off the mule deer that he'd shot earlier in the day.

"He was certainly a handful tryin' t' get him into the back of the truck," the hunter exclaimed. "I knew that mule deer could get quite big, but that one just gotta be some sort of record."

The game warden looked in the back of the truck and couldn't believe what was lying there. He started to chuckle as he reached for his ticket book.

About that time the hunter proudly asked, "And what do you think of them shiny shoes on him?"
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